April 20, 2013

On my heart...

This week has been an interesting week for me.

My emotions have been all over the place.
My anxiety has been through the roof, I have been crying at the drop of a hat, and I've been totally depressed. I've been going through the motions of life this week but not really talking, smiling, or being my normal self. I've woken up multiple nights from sleep this week having small panic attacks - having trouble breathing, freezing/shivering, and crying. 

I have tried and tried to think about what is affecting me so much and I've come to the following conclusion:

1) the horrible events in Boston/Texas this week

I literally was getting sick to my stomach every time I would hear something about it or see photos or videos. Nick would come home from work and want to talk about it and I would crumble. I didn't want to hear about it. We actually got into a big fight one night this week because he wanted to watch the news. I screamed at him (no, not proud) that I wouldn't allow the news to be on in my house if Reagan was present. He stood firmly that Reagan wasn't paying attention to the TV and that we needed to stay current on what was going on in the world. I just didn't want Reagan (or us for that matter) to be exposed to these horrible things. It's just all too scary. All too real. I felt fearful and I didn't like feeling this way. Yesterday I did watch the news a bit and listen to it on the radio when driving, to hear about them finding the last terrorist. But the whole time I felt like I was in constant prayer. The whole thing is just so.so. sad. I  just can't fathom what would possess someone to hurt innocent people. Innocent children. 

2) work

You may remember that I've put out some teaching applications this past few weeks. I've applied to a local school district, dropped of resumes at neighborhood schools, applied to online colleges, etc. And I haven't heard back from one.  I know I am an instant gratification kind of girl.  And I know after submitting an application it's unlikely I will hear back the following day.  But I hate not knowing. 

Plus I've been hearing horror stories from friends who are currently teaching about how bad things have gotten this year.  The pressure has gotten unreal when it comes to testing, etc.  I have anxiety for them. I have anxiety for myself. Do I want to get back into that rat race? Have I become too out of the loop with the new common core standards? Will I be able to keep up? I really do miss being in the classroom though. Being creative.  Helping students.  But boy will I miss my babies. All of this. Just too much! 

3) other

My house is a pig sty. There are toys and baby equipment everywhere. And making homemade baby food- more difficult than I thought. I'm committed to doing it, but geesh- I've got fruit and veggies coming out of my ears. I am participating in my mothers of multiple sale and I have a couch full of items that need to be washed/ironed/hung/tagged etc. before the sale. Reagan continues to be a handful.  Nightly tantrums, refusing to eat dinner, etc. He plays so hard that by night time he is just exhausted.  Oh and the latest - he got in trouble at school yesterday for pushing a girl down the slide. Really? Lord. I have no patience with him and I tend to just snap. I yell at him instead of talking to him.

I am currently reading "Unglued Devotional" by Lysa Terkeurst. And boy. It really is hitting home. I've read her "Unglued" book and it really has applied to my life. So much of it rings true.

I love her introduction. So true.

"What happens in between the smiling snapshots of life isn't all pretty. I'm willing to admit that.  And I love my friends who are brave enough to admit the messy stuff as well."

She says, " I know what it is like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child. How can God be so patient? But he is."

This next part is so me.

"I feel so safe with my husband that I'll act out in ways with him that I wouldn't dare act out with others.  I stuff everything away to keep the peace.  True peacekeeping isn't about stopping the emotion.  It's about properly processing the emotions before they get stuffed and rot into something horribly toxic."

And arguing with other -

"Am I trying to prove or improve? In other words, is my desire in this conflict to prove that I am right or is my desire to improve the  relationship?"

"Don't compare yourself with others.  Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.  God has a beautiful plan for me."

"Do not be anxious about anything.  God of peace will be with you." ( Philippians 4:6-9)

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"Choose prayer over worry."

"Coming unglued isn't all bad if it brings us to God."

"I want to quiet my inner dialogue and replace my anxiety with Your comfort and truth."

"I don't know who puts grace to the test in your life (REAGAN!) but how might things be different if just for today, you decided to resist the funk and give grace a try with that person one more time? Remember- grace doesn't have to be perfect to be good. "

"Dear Lord, thank you for Your amazing grace.  I hope I show it in every conversation I have today.  But when I blow it, thanks for giving me an extra measure of grace." 

"I don't want this to be how my kids remember me.  I don't want this to be how I remember me in this season of my life."

And I will leave you with this last one that I've been reading multiple times a day.

"Dear Lord, in desperate situations, it's easy for me to come unglued, get aggressive, and try to solve my problems on my own.  Instead I need to freely hand my heart and issues over to You.  Help me focus on my blessings, trust You and be thankful for what I have. In Jesus' name, Amen."


Mrs. Howard said...

Oh friend. Hang in there. I don't know about anxiety, but I do know about having three small children and what you are going through is totally normal. My twins are about to turn two and Connor's about to turn four and I am JUST starting to feel normal. It's taken two years for me (hopefully it'll be earlier for you because Reagan is older), but I can actually read a magazine while the kids play. Just this morning I sat on a chair while the kids played for about 30 minutes outside by themselves. Miraculous. I could NEVER have done that a year ago. Day by day...minute by minute...it gets easier!

The Burtons said...

I have been feeling the same way this week- totally not myself. I actually blogged about my horrific day yesterday and how I was losing it with the kids. I've been having anxiety and been super edgy and I know a lot is bc of the Boston stuff....I can't even watch it I've been so sick about it. I needed these encouraging words so am so glad you posted this today. I'm praying we all find peace in all this chaos! Also I have also been contemplating working part time but am conflicted. I swear reading your blogs we are so much alike! Hang in there girl :)

Victoria said...

Good for you for sharing.with others. It will will not only help you, but help others as well. You spoke from your heart, and showed wisdom in how you are handling this tough time. Be strong in your faith, and continue to lean on The Lord. Always remember those precious lives you are shaping, and their faces as they look to you with such love in their eyes!! I love you! Mommy

Lea Culp said...

Oh, Mandy, what a precious, heartfelt post! I wish that I lived close enough to be of help to you. Nothing thrills me more than to minister to young Moms that have their hands more than full. LIfe is just plain tough and you have so, so many demands on you that I can certainly see how you would often feel "unglued." May the Lord give you peace and sustain you on those tough days. He really will see you through and I can assure you that your children will one day rise up and called you "blessed." May you feel his strength in an extra special way this coming week. Big hugs to you!

agalandherdog said...

Hang in there! Thinking of you this week.

Stacy Renee said...

I am with you on so many levels in this post! I'm preparing to go back to the classroom this Fall. I hate to leave my little guy, but I can't take anymore family leave from my school district. Lots of hugs. Just know you are not alone. =)

Amy said...

Hey girl! Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you & will be praying for you! This too shall pass. :)

Amber said...

Sorry girl. This world is scary and I can't begin to imagine the pressure of having three kids to take care of and keep safe. It will get better but I know how you feel. My mama always says "This too shall pass"

Mrs. Ruby said...

Oh girly.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so anxious. It saddens my heart so much to know that SO many of us deal with anxiety. Mine has gotten so bad, I actually started seeing a counselor. A counselor recommended by a friend. Someone who doesn't have children and who seems is so put together.

Crazy how so many of us deal with it.

Thanks for sharing your heart. I'm totally going to check out those books. :)