February 1, 2014

Doing it all- a confesh sesh

Holy crap.
This is so my life right now.

I just spent the last 30 minutes of nap-time writing a post on doing it all and boom.  It disappeared.
Kill me now.  Lets see if I can remember what I wrote.  I guarantee it will be less wordy but hey.. I need to get this out.

I haven't blogged in over a month.
I've been super overwhelmed with life.
And honestly, I didn't know if anyone cared or even missed it.
I've been on the fence about stopping blogging all together.

Let's back up.
I've always been someone feels the need to do it all and do it well.
I've always been involved in leadership positions, clubs, service groups, etc.
Student council, service club president, prom queen, sorority president, one of the first of my friends to get married, one of the first to have a baby, have pictures and ideas "pinned" by other teachers, have people ask to recreate my parties for their kids, etc. My kids have always been good, well behaved, cute, and well dressed.  I've always thought this makes up who I am.  If I didn't do certain things, I was afraid people would think I couldn't do. Not that I didn't want to.

For instance. The cookie party.
Every year I host a Christmas cookie party for friends and family.  This would have been the 8th year. I had such anxiety over this damn party.  We had only 1 free weekend day in the month of December.  I knew that people were expecting me to do it.  I had friends texting me about dates and times well in advance because they knew I would be doing it. But damn. I didn't want to.  I could care less about baking, eating, and voting on cookies. But I felt guilty.  People expected me to do it.  I liked how everyone said, "I don't know how you do it all". Again.  It felt like this made up who I was.  But I really, really, didn't want to do.  So after talking with my mom and Nick. I didn't do it.  (You may be thinking- wow- she is a crackhead.) And you may be right.  My friends didn't care about the cookie party.  They were totally fine. Everyone survived and we still managed to have a wonderful Christmas.  In the grand scheme of life- this was no big deal.  But I had made it into a huge deal in my head.

I took last year off to transition into having 3 kids.  But I knew financially I couldn't do it again.  We couldn't possibly live in the zip code we live in with just Nick's job.  Yes, we could sell and move south where houses are less expensive.  Yes, we could cut cable and other luxuries but I don't want to.  So I work.  And if I had to work, I knew I wanted to be Super Teacher/ Super Mom.  I had friends who taught and then quit when it became to much with the kids.  I knew I could give both jobs 100 percent.  Even though they couldn't do it all, I would.  But damn. It's hard.  I am FAR from perfect at either job.  Even though I bring my school bag home with work each night, I still feel like there are things I could be doing better.  Even though I know my kids are loved, fed, bathed, and safe - I still feel discouraged that we have dishes in the sink and who knows the last time I vacuumed.

If you follow me on Instagram you know Reagan has been having a hard time at school.  He's been disrespectful and defiant and has even bitten another student.  I freaked.  After talking with Nick I realized the reason I was most upset was because he wasn't been "the perfect son" for our "perfect family".  I suddenly realized that maybe his teacher didn't think I had it all together.  If we had it all together, he wouldn't be acting this way.  How on Earth did I get this twisted to be about me?

I came home from a board meeting for our Mothers of Multiples group last night thinking, why don't I run for president next year? This would be the natural thing.  I know I'm overwhelmed with everything right now. I know I already feel like I'm spread thin.  But if anyone can do it... I should be able to do it.  I told Nick this and he replied - "hell no".

I need to refocus.
I need to be the best mom, wife, teacher, daughter, friend, etc. I can be for me.
Not for other people.
Not for what others think of me.

I'm learning it's okay not to do it all. I'm learning it's okay to fail. Well, maybe not fail.  But maybe not be perfect all the time. No one is perfect.  Yes. My twins still use pacifiers. Yes. My 4 year old is naughty at school.  Yes. I'd rather go to bed and watch real housewives alone than spend  time talking with my husband most nights.  You'll get over it and we'll all survive.  


Victoria said...

You are learning, you are growing, and I am proud of you. No one expects perfection from you, and neither should you. I love you.

Nicole Dunn said...

If it means anything to you, we don't even know each other and I check your blog almost every day to see if you have written a new post. My son is the same age (just a few days apart) as your twins and he is so similar to them, since he was born. He still has a paci too, he won't go to college with it, I've chosen not to let it bother me. :)

Life is hard, we stretch ourselves way too thin all the time. Take a step back and focus on a few things that matter most and be great at those!

Nicole Dunn said...

If it means anything to you, we don't even know each other and I check your blog almost every day to see if you have written a new post. My son is the same age (just a few days apart) as your twins and he is so similar to them, since he was born. He still has a paci too, he won't go to college with it, I've chosen not to let it bother me. :)

Life is hard, we stretch ourselves way too thin all the time. Take a step back and focus on a few things that matter most and be great at those!

Rebecca said...

I miss your blog so much. You are in my favs folder. So yes, you are missed. But having said that, you need to do what's right for you. If blogging is not in the cards right now then you should step away. We will all miss you and be waiting when you are ready to come back!

J Howard said...

Oh friend. None of us can do it all!!! You are amazing because you are YOU, not because of who you think we want you to be! =) I am in awe daily of what us moms are capable of doing, but it's okay to not do things perfectly too! That's what I tell myself, at least, when I look at my laundry pile that is so big it's now falling over. No joke. It must be 8 loads of laundry. And what am I doing? Checking out blogs...Ha!

Kathryn said...

I love your blog and hope you keep it up!! I can only imagine how crazy life must be for you with working and having 3 kiddos, I only have the twins and feel like I'm drowning some days. You are doing the best you can though and that Is all that matters :) Hang in there Mama!!

Holly said...

I love you girlie and I think you are an amazing person. Don't do too much, enjoy life littlest moments. Live Simply. :) I am so blessed to have such an amazing friend. xoxo

Amy said...

Hey girl! Thanks for being so open & sharing your heart with us right now. As moms, & women in general, I think we are expected it to do it all & do it all "pinterest worthy". But why? For who exactly? You are raising 3 young kids, working full time, a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, a blogger, keeping a home. Give yourself a break sweet girl. If you need a break from blogging, take one. It's okay. We'll all be waiting for you when you decide to come back. :) Hang in there, Mama. You can do hard things!

Mrs. Mommy said...

Coming from someone who was home, decided to go back to teaching, and now has resigned to be home again...I totally get it. I hated that I couldn't give each thing 100% and I felt like I was living each day stressed and rushed. I have always been one to worry about what other people think. It's actually one of my resolutions for 2014. It drives my hubby crazy. I don't know why I care, but I like to make sure everyone is happy. Then I forget about what is best for me and our family. Sorry for the long comment, but just wanted to let you know that there are so many people that understand and you are certainly not crazy. I know you are an awesome teacher and amazing mom and wife. I hope you don't stop blogging, I love reading! But it is one extra thing, which I can relate to too. Take care girl!

Kelly O'Boyle said...

I love your blog! I know when I have kids and become a teacher I will be so determined to do everything right. Please know your family loves you, you have great support (from what I have read an seen). If you need to take a step back we will all understand but will miss you and your adorable kids dearly!

Kristen said...

Oh girl! I think we were cut from the same mold. I too am a teacher, a mom, former sorority president, student council member, etc. AND a major perfectionist. I feel that my house should be "company ready" at all times, even though we rarely have unexpected company (and if we do it's my 20 year old brother - he's more worried about what's for dinner than if there's a fork in the sink!).

It is so hard to reign it in when that is part of your personality (or when you are high strung as some may call it -he he).

I've come to the point now, after life with 2 kids and the oldest is 2 that everything is one day at a time and that the only person expecting me to do it all is me.

I am currently contemplating being a stay at home mom to my two kiddos next year, the major thing holdig me back is that others will think that I couldn't handle it all and had to give up my job (which is not the case, ultimately I just want more time with my kids).

Gah, perfectionism...it's a killer.

Rebecca said...

Oh I could have written this blog post (and probably should write one just like it!) I went back to work this time when C was only 9 weeks (she's 14 months now) and I have been behind in every facet of life since. I had a meltdown myself back in September that forced me to take a step back and ask myself what is important and focus on those things. The important things change daily. And I have to refocus daily. And I'm still stressed and trying to do it all. I have found that if I don't do that cute craftivity, the kids didn't miss it. If the floor didn't get vacuumed, I just pray C doesn't eat something she shouldn't (LOL) and if she does it will just strengthen her immune system! If the dishes don't get done, they will be there tomorrow and we will still eat. And my blog is seriously neglected except for breaks and snow days, but I'm leaving it there for when I feel like writing. I love your blog, but do what you need to do. Take care of yourself. Take care of those babies, and try to be happy in whatever you are doing.


Lexie Loo, Lily, Liam, and Dylan Too! said...

Oh, girl, I'm facing the same struggle. I want to do it all but it's physically impossible. I'm slowly learning to let things go! It took me 9 years to learn that, so you're ahead of the game! In the grand scheme of things, your family is the most important thing. Hang in there!